Gap, PA. On a blustery April 17th, 1897 the first born child of the 1st Assistant Lighthouse Keeper Larry Dallas went missing. After a diligent search of the community “Little Larry” was spotted flying high above Gap Hill being carried by an endangered Gap Osprey. Little Larry was carried back to the osprey’s nest out in Gap Harbor, ripped to shreds and fed to hungry juvenile ospreys under a fabulous double-rainbow. One might think this is a horrible tail of woe and sadness, but frankly Little Larry was a notorious prick, dangerous fire-starter, and was rumored to have extinguished the lighthouse light the night before and caused the death of 9 sailors from Conshohocken.
Little Larry’s horrific death was taken as a good omen and on every Holy Saturday since Gapanese parents take their worst child, the biggest asshole in the family, up to the roof tops. They will then smear anchovy paste in the child’s hair and pray that the osprey will come. Each Holy Saturday the osprey will take one Gapanese child to the delight of the whole town as they sit down to a feast of mackerel and olive loaf casserole.
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